and i'm not sleeping now; the dark is too hard to beat | (arches)

[widowing]

[ it's been a little over a week since their first one at the safe house, and things have been progressing at a more or less steady pace. it's not easy and it's going slower than she suspects he wants it to, but she knew going in that it would take some time for him to level out, and that 'some' could be as long as a few weeks, maybe even months. she's prepared to put in the time and fury is, surprisingly enough, willing to give it to them. they've been working together to try and reach a place where he's okay with himself, if not what he did (that may never happen, she knows that better than anyone), but sometimes they spend time alone, because as much as she wants him to be okay, her holding his hand through everything isn't going to help him.

the third night into the second week is one of those times she's left him on his own, but not because of any conscious decision - he fell asleep on the couch, she elected to let him sleep rather than wake him, because he's been going without it more often than not. so when she wakes suddenly and violently, gasping for breath, coated with sweat with the sheets tangled between her legs, she's alone in the bed and in the room, and it takes her a few minutes to remember why.

she sits there, on the edge of the bed, for a few more minutes, fingers clutching at her sheets so tightly that her nails come close to tearing through the fabric. the minutes are spent with her eyes screwed shut as she breathes, in and out, slowly, through her nose as she tries to calm herself enough to head downstairs without the automatic instinct to attack anything that may be lurking in the dark. eventually she's steady enough to unclench her fists and stand and make her way downstairs, find something to occupy her time until she's either calm enough to try going back to sleep or until the sun rises. once she's there, she pauses in the kitchen and retrieves a tumbler from one of the cabinets and a bottle of vodka from the freezer.

her hands are still shaking, ever so slightly, as she pours the liquid into the glass. ]

Comments

[arches]

<sub>( His head and his body have been disconnected, for some time now. He thought it would be over, when he found himself again, but it wasn’t, quite. He still finds himself blinking into the light, wondering what he was doing five minutes ago. He still notices that his shots are off, his muscles stiff. He goes through the motions without being connected to what he’s doing, and it infuriates him. So he punishes himself, barely eats and forces his body to stay awake when it needs sleep.

It’s a losing game. So that tonight, when he sat down on the couch, his body shut down before he could register what it was doing. His head lolled, and before he knew it he was lying on his side, breathing heavily as his aching body took a much-needed rest. But that doesn’t mean he got there willingly.

He jerks awake in the middle of the night, sharp eyes searching the darkness for the specters that haunted his dreams. It takes him a moment to realize they aren’t there, that he’s downstairs and not in bed, that he probably fell asleep here like a child. His body feels heavy as he drags himself to his feet, hearing movement in the kitchen. And so it’s to there he goes.

When he spots her, he stands in the doorway for a moment. His t-shirt is bunched up awkwardly over his sweats, his hair is as ruffled as it can be at its length. But he looks considerably less tired than he has, since they’ve gotten there. )</sub>

Interesting choice, for a midnight snack.

[widowing]

[ by now she remembers where she is, who's here with her and why they're where they are, but she's still rattled enough to start visibly when he makes himself known to her.

stupid, stupid, stupid, you're better than that, it was a dream, knock it off.

when she sees that it's him, she draws in a long breath, lets it out slowly as she brings the glass to her lips and drinks from it, barely tasting the liquid as it slides down her throat. it cools her enough to calm down a fraction more, at least, and so she sets it back on the counter before focusing on him. ]

It's too hot for cocoa. [ a hand is pushed through her hair once, twice, to smooth out the sleep-mussed waves, and then she picks up the bottle and holds it out to him, even though he's still too far away to reach it. ] Want any?

[arches]

<sub>( If he notices that he startled her--something that would never have happened, before--he doesn't mention it. Instead, when she extends the bottle, he crosses the room in three quick strides, coming to stand beside her.

He doesn't drink heavily, at least not very often. Too much is usually riding on his physical state, his good judgment. But he does indulge, occasionally. You almost have to, when you do what they do. Sometimes you just want to block things out.

But he doesn't reach for the bottle, instead leaning down to plant a kiss softly on her forehead. It's a soft gesture, and last about a second. But he felt like he needed it.

Only then does he sit and say: )</sub>

Yeah, I could go for a drink or two.

[widowing]

[ it wasn't him that startled her, not exactly - it's the dream that she wasn't expecting that's taking her longer than she'd like for her to come down from. it's been a long time since she's been caught off guard by her own subconscious like that and it always throws her off her game. off her game is something she can't afford to be right now, not when someone else is relying so heavily on her support.

the contact is brief, but comforting (even if he is doing it more for him than for her), and she closes her eyes and leans into to touch for as long as it lasts before going to retrieve another glass from the cabinet. alcohol isn't typically something she indulges in, either, at least not to excess, but right now she's looking for something that'll keep her from dreaming if she decides to try going back to sleep.

his glass is filled and wordlessly handed to him as she takes the seat next to him. ]

[arches]

<sub>( His hand curls around the glass, focusing on the weight of it for a moment before he lifts it to her in a toast. Then he knocks it back.

He's usually of the opinion that vodka tastes like cough syrup--his palette is decidedly undignified--but chilled as it is it slips smoothly down his throat. The buzz isn't immediate, of course, but he's waiting for it. )</sub>

So. Can't sleep, or expecting a guest?

[widowing]

Something like the former. [ she brings her hands up to rub at her eyes for a minute before looking back at him. ] Speaking of that, how long have you been awake?

[arches]

Not long. But I don't really remember falling asleep in the first place, so. _{( What is time, seems to be the question here. )}

[widowing]

[ a glance is cast at the clock on the oven. ] A little over seven hours ago. [ she takes another swallow of vodka. ] Sorry it was on the couch, but I didn't want to risk waking you up.

[arches]

I've slept in worse places. The couch isn't half bad. _{( She knows that, of course. But it is something he's always been good at. Hiding in high spots, catching a few winks with his knees pulled up against his chest or his back hunched over. )}

You can wake me up, you know. I don't mind.

[widowing]

[ she just looks at him, narrowing her eyes a bit. ]

I know you don't. That's why I didn't.

[arches]

_{( He returns the look, his lips pursed before he speaks. )}

You know that makes no sense, right?

[widowing]

[ it did to her, but after going the words in her head she can see why it didn't to him. so she tries again. ]

I didn't wake you because you haven't been sleeping. You need whatever you can get.

[arches]

_{( He continues with the same flat look, suddenly defensive. )}

Nat. I'm okay. I'm not going to fall apart if I get one less wink of sleep.

[widowing]

[ she just mirrors his expression back. ]

One less wink isn't a problem. Several days is.

[arches]

I didn't realize I was being monitored. _{( It's a stupid thing to say. He knows it. But he's frustrated, and though he's been moping, he wants to tell himself that he hasn't been, in front of her. Everything about that thought rings false. )}

[widowing]

[ her eyes narrow, and the line of her mouth tightens. ]

We've been partners for how long now, and you thought that kind of thing would just slip past me? I'm not an idiot, Clint.

[ she reaches across to skim her fingertips over the back of his hand, and her tone softens slightly when she speaks again. ]

I'm not trying to mother you.

[arches]

_{( His head tilts down, eyes following the lines her fingers make across his hand. But he doesn't move, neither to take her hand nor to pull away. )}

Good, because you know I can turn that on you. You weren't asleep, either.

[widowing]

[ her hand pulls away now to rub wearily at her eyes. ]

Tried it.

[arches]

_{( He braces an elbow against the counter, leans his chin against his fist. )}

Nat. Tell me about it.

[widowing]

[ she looks back up at him, eyes locked on his for a long moment, and then she reaches for the bottle and pours herself another glass, focusing on the task a little too intently. ]

The Hulk.

[ she hasn't told him about this, has tried her best to put it behind her, and for the most part it's worked. she's been keeping herself too busy to think what had happened, what it was like to watch banner become something else and to have that thing running at a full clip after you with the intent to destroy.

she doesn't blame banner for something that's out of his control, she hasn't thought about the incident in the helicarrier since before she and clint arrived here. she doesn't know why it's popped up in her subconscious now, when she's trying to help him through this. ]

[arches]

<sub>( He hadn't really given Banner much thought. In the aftermath of the hellicarrier incident, there had been too much else for him to deal with. His mind hadn't even registered that the Hulk had ripped the place apart until much later. And, before, Banner had always seemed more like a challenge than a fear.

Now he reaches over, grabbing her hand. )</sub>

What happened.

[widowing]

[ she looks back up as he takes hold of her hand, and is silent again for some time before pushing the glass aside with her opposite one. ]

We were all in the lab. [ she's pretty sure he can guess who she means by 'we'. ] When the third engine went out, there was an explosion, and Banner and I were knocked down to the detention level. My leg was stuck underneath a pipe, and I watched him as he stopped being him and became something else.

[arches]

<sub>( He winces, for a moment. Because he's gone through every moment of that day a thousand times in his head, and he's watched the tapes and heard the reports. The third engine being blown out--that was him. And if something had happened to her, if the explosion had harmed her or the Hulk had...

Clint cuts his thoughts off, forces himself to focus oh her, instead. This isn't about him. He holds her hand a little tighter. )</sub>

I only saw him when he was on our side. I can't really imagine...

But you were alright. _{( He knows it's true, because of what happened afterward. But there's still a question, lingering there. )}

[widowing]

[ she'd debated on whether or not to leave out that part - how they'd been knocked down because of the third engine being taken out - but she knows better than to try and insult his intelligence. she sighs, letting her fingers lace between his. ]

I was fine. I've been fine. I don't know why it came up.

[arches]

_{( Now he uses his free hand to reach up and brush the hair away from her face--slowly, to give him something to do, a chance to think. Then he just sighs, softly. )}

Of course you're fine. But that doesn't mean... I mean, what I'm saying is...

It's alright to have been scared, Nat.

i'm sorry this took so long for me to respond to! (and that it's so short) <3

[widowing]

[ she glances at him through the strands of hair he's pushing back. ]

I know. It's all right to have been scared. There's no reason for it now.

[ she sounds stubborn, almost like she's trying to convince herself. ]

never apologize <3

[arches]

You know, I've been thinking a lot lately. And after all we've seen, all we've gone up against... maybe a healthy bit of fear is good for us.